What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.