What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
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[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Phonetics
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton