what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.