What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.