“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Just how popey was the pope today?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.