What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
You Might Also Like
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
So creative 😂
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.