@SteveSuckington

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

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@ChrisStephensMD

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

@whatmaddness

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@CarpentersCrack

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

@iamdevloper

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

@OMGSoOverIt

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@wolfpupy

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

@_davidlucas_

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

@wildethingy

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.