“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Imma just leave this here…………
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable