“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.