Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

What in the hipster hell is going on here

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …