“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
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My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
when someone rings the doorbell
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?