“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
uh oh
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.