@SteveSuckington

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

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@BuckyIsotope

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

@RdrJay47

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

@Fred_Delicious

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

@hellohappy_time

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

@oneawkwardmom

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza