WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.