@noog

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

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@Puercotron

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

@cool_pond

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@sofarrsogud

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

@Picapau316

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

@NeilBensch

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

@GulfCoastJake

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

@ellle_em

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks