“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.