What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
BRO LMFAO
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?