What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
he was correct
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso