@PaperWash

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

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@Chhapiness

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

@kDuncanG

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

@scot4bz

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

@Tbone7219

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

@robdelaney

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

@Fred_Delicious

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

@TheTweetOfGod

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

@withanewname

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”