What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’m calling the cops.