What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I love art.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*