Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!