“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
You Might Also Like
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me in tagged photos
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket