“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….


When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”


niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit


Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.


I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.


-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.


Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.