what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.