What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
very niche meme I made
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
President The Rock Obama
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.