“what that mouth do?” complain
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader