What the dentist sees

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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw


wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*


“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”


Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.


Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?


I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.


Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid


It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.


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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)