What the dentist sees
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Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s