what the hell girl, sure
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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot