What the hell happened here.
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In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Not today. 😅
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit