What the hell happened in there??
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me