What the hell happened in there??
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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(人__つ_つ
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.