“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
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Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*