What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
You Might Also Like
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.