what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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I didn鈥檛 come here to be called names
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That鈥檚 just peanut butter m&m鈥檚 and some ibuprofen.
Me: It鈥檚 homemade.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn鈥檛 know either.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
馃敳 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
馃敳 Good at building blanket forts
馃敳 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
馃敳 toilet paper roll goes OVER
馃敳 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
me: [running from the police] you鈥檒l never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
The flight attendant asked if I鈥檇 like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing