Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Who says great literature is dead?

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?