what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra