what the hell pray for carter everyone
You Might Also Like
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please