what the hell pray for carter everyone
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This rocks
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*