What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.