Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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Birds & Planes.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
there has never been a better use of this meme
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Best mom ever 😂
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*