what the signs deserve in 2019:

Aries: peace
Taurus: rest
Gemini: happiness
Cancer: love
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople

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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats



BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.


Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire


[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]


Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what


me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons


Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.


The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn


Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.


My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.