what the signs deserve in 2019:

Aries: peace
Taurus: rest
Gemini: happiness
Cancer: love
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople

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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like


Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram


Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.


me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri


I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.


The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo


[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL


[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…


I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet