“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.