What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
DOOO EEEET
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open