What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Unexpected Judgment
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?