What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Holy moly
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.