What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.