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Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.