What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986