What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
i wish we could shoplift online
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me, flirting😏
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers