What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
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WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?