What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’d hang this in my house.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Just parrot things
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut