What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
You Might Also Like
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no