“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad