What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
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Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.