What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
We decided to have money instead of children.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.