What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn