What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I never know how much to tip a cow.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
KATY PERRY: 馃幎 baby you鈥檙e a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY鈥橲 DOG: I hate this song
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don鈥檛 even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn鈥檛 work
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What鈥檚 wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don鈥檛 have to pay for it.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i鈥檓 trying real hard not to laugh
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.