“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’