What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?