What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m literally crying
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Yes, but it was never about money
new shirt idea
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.