“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend